Vocal Stimming is/as uh valid entry-point into composition:

Vocal Stimming ( or, uh vocal stim ) refers to self-stimulatory behaviors involving thuh mouth, lips, or vocal chords, often used by neurodivergent individuals (autism/ADHD) to regulate emotions, manage sensory input, or self-soothe.

Examples include humming, whistling, high-pitched shrieking, repeating words/phrases (echolalia), or clicking, often to manage stress or express excitement [ source ].

Looping + Diverging have always been thuh bridges between my mind + composition in all its forms:

Music [ see: live looping + sampling ]

Writing [ see: sound-based poetry + writing off thuh subject ]

Performance [ see: Chekhov’s Psychological Gesture ]

As I strive to complete uh full-length musical album that utilizes this bridge / this entry-point, I will document more intimate discoveries + stims here.

My life is misaligned.

It’s tense

in my body

in my relationships.

I’m uh human bein’ surrenderin’ to thuh natural order uh things—

Shiftin’ / maturin’ / is thuh natural order uh things.

In August, I went viral.

In August, I was plucked from everything I knew in / all directions / all at once—

I was plucked

from settling / shrinking / apologizing / surviving in every way + in every relationship I had.

At least I *knew.

My current reality feels more like uh purgatory than where I’m // who I’m supposed to be.

I’m settling, still / shrinking / apologizing / surviving—just more publicly than before.

*I forgot my knowing. I wasn’t prepared for thuh sheer onslaught uh voices who “knew better.”

Sum time has passed. Lord knows I know better.

My life is still too small.

I’m in pain /

I’m in pain /

I’m in pain about it

in bondage to “whut works.”

Thuh very thought of an algorithm / uh fucking algorithm / with no blood, bone or soul determinin’ thuh course uh thuh rest uh my life

is absurd.

I’m uh human bein’ / surrenderin’ to thuh natural order uh things.

I reject bondage in all its forms.

I am, quite simply, in pursuit uh thuh life I deserve / uh true love / uh freedom.

I am meant for so much more

than “whut works.”

thee alguhRHYTHM ain’t uh fair (or predictable) master.

[ You have been warned. ]

I have tried to explain this feeling / this pain over an’ over again.

I am no longer explaining it.

I am blessed // I am in pain

and /

and /

and /

and /

always and /

I’ve been met with sympathy and / have settled for that, historically.

I’m rarely met with empathy—

understanding even more so.

It’s lovely when it comes.

However brief.

However fleeting.

My love, finally, is rooted—

sharp now

recognize

recognize whut I deserve

‘an it’s more than this

more than this

more than this

stan’ in it

tol’ you, I’m rooted and /

and /

and /

And /

And /

And / is how love feels

in my body.

Love / is all [ this ] has ever been about.

Push

push

push push

push

push push

push

I’m pushin’ thru duh dirt

thuh concrete?

thuh dirt

thuh dirt

thuh concrete.

This pain / I’m sure / is worth it.

[ Alt: rebirf ]

— REE —